To make babies or Not?

The desire to procreate is the most natural instinct that almost every living being possesses, but the decision to have a child whether it’s your first or fourth is a life changing, irrevocable and unchangeable decision. It is important for you and your spouse to sit together and discuss the pro and cons of expanding your family as well as weight the outcome of your decision to bring a baby in your lives as an individual and as a couple. Parenting is serious business; sometimes this decision may bring immense joy to you and your better half and deepen your bond as a couple but another aspect could also be that bringing a child may just be a very reckless, miscalculated and ill-advised decision.

Consider the following aspects as your checklist to deciding if parenthood is the next step for you.

1.   You are bringing a child because you and your spouse want to, not because you have succumbed to the pressures of your parents and the society.

In our society, the moment a couple is married the elderly in the household begin to pester the newlyweds for a grandchild. Although their advising may be well intended, it’s important to not allow anyone to coerce you into having a child. The decision to bring a child into the world should be yours and your spouse’s well thought out decision. If you or your spouse is not ready to commit to full time parenting then it is a reason enough to delay parenthood.

2.   You are advised or you think that bringing a child would repair your relationship/ would strengthen the marriage.

Yes, bringing a child would surely strengthen your marriage because it requires collective efforts at parenting by providing care, attention, love, and patience to a child as well as it requires great levels of understanding and cooperation amongst the couple, and a mutual feeling of wanting to work together to become responsible parents of a child and a spouse to the other. But it wouldn’t work in case you are facing issues regarding lack of trust and respect in the marriage, if you are trying to commit the other to a commitment or to the responsibilities of a marriage or a relationship; or are trying to use a child as a tool that brings you and your other half close to each other in the relationship. If the foundation of your relationship is flawed bringing another being in the world is just going to be another recipe for disaster.

3.   Everyone else is embracing parenthood; you are the only one left out.

This doesn’t seem reason enough for you to want to parent a child because you find other couples in your family and friend circles on a baby breeding spree. This is another kind of conformity which you don’t have to succumb to. Perhaps these couples are already equipped with the right components that are required to being sound parents to a child; you have to make sure that you are too.

4.   Can you afford a child?

Running a check on your finances is an extremely crucial consideration to make. Although you know that apart from the unconditional love that you would need to shower your baby with it, it would also need food, clothing and shelter.  The decision to have a baby would cost money right from medical bills that would mount during the Pre and Post pregnancy, to when the baby is born, and until the child is an adult will all require considerable amount of finances to be put aside from your monthly budget, your savings plan and your investments. Are you and your spouse geared up with enough finances to sponsor a pregnancy and with a concrete financial plan that would address all the needs of yours and your baby’s which are never going to come to a halt but would only increase as your child grows older?

5.   You are willing to put the child’s needs before yours most of the times.

There are going to be many sleepless nights, changing nappies, feeding an uncooperative child, dealing with crying spells and many other challenging and annoying experiences of being parents to a newly born. And unless you are well off you may also have to forego many of your own needs which could be of an exotic vacation, a better automobile or a better mobile etc. over your child needs which could be putting him into a better school, sponsoring his birthday party, new clothes, braces, a trip to Disney world etc. Part of the being a good parent “deal” may sometimes sum up to putting the needs of your child before yours, are you willing to do that?

6.   You are willing to give up on your current lifestyle.

Your current lifestyle may include late night partying with friends on weekends, spontaneously planning a trek or a vacation, eating out most of the times instead of putting together home cooked meals, full time work etc. The two of you might just have to bid your goodbyes to this lifestyle because babies need a predictable schedule and they have an insatiable need for fulltime care, attention and love. Are the two of you willing to reschedule your priorities to nurturing your baby? Are you willing to compromise on full time work or going to a party because your baby needs your attention and not regret about the shift in your priorities.

7.   Do you think your relationship is ready to handle the next level of commitment i.e. of being parents?

You may share a loving relationship with your spouse but it could take a toll on your marriage. Great levels of patience and understanding need to be harnessed between a couple when children begin to make their presence felt. Do you think your spouse can handle the shift of your attention from them to the baby, because every relationship is hit by a fair amount of neglect when raising children which is normal but if the two of you do not have strong communication and if you both do not work as a team this could be a cause of stress in your relationship as a couple.

8.   Are you physically fit to bear a child?

It is crucial to be aware that the mother to be needs to be physically fit and free of any medical complications, lifestyle diseases or any nutritional deficiencies. A check with your GP should determine that. Giving your baby the best start in life means getting your own health sorted first. It is worth making adjustments to your lifestyle like eating a well balanced meal, stress management, exercising, cutting down on drinking or smoking for the benefit of your health and the health of your baby. 

9.   You have turned to parenthood because you have realistic reasons.

Realistic reasons mean, you are not in it because you want to pass on your genes for heredity reasons. You are fully aware that the little infant you have been idolizing about is going to grow into an unreasonable teenager someday and when they are adults you may have to deal with the empty nest syndrome. You have turned to parenting because you have unconditional love to pass on to your children, and under no circumstances would you see them as tools to support your old age, not that it is wrong to want your children to be there for you when you are old but it’s important to not see them an investment for your old age.

This article is published in the print magazine - The Living Local Andheri W. Edition, Mumbai, India.
https://issuu.com/livinglocalmag/docs/october_andheri_issue

Keep calm & Carry on

‘He felt a great sense of pride when he went to work every day he loved his job, & when he got back home his wife doted on him. One day his office hired another who was a lot younger than him for half the salary he drew. And his wife, she realized that he always took his occupation over her and decided to stop being devoted to him like before’.

Let go of things that you feel deeply attached to, of things that would bring a lot of pain if they ever went missing. Acknowledge the fact that being detached in general towards possessions, people or even a profession makes it easy to let go of them if they ever went missing because no matter how much we love the word “forever” nothing really is forever or as being permanent. Today the source of your happiness may perhaps take a diversion and then you would have to find a new source to be

happy again. Over time people change, needs change, situations change people may go from being happy to sad, from being poor to rich or from being close to you and then not. The switch can happen, you can’t rule it out. So you have to accept that you can’t really hang onto people, situations or even your possessions no matter how deeply you are fond of them.

Hence being objective helps, being adaptive and receptive to the change helps. When you unlearn your need to possess or when you let go of your need to be reassured by the people around you that they are always going to be your greatest strength, or your state of affairs in life are never going to change or what you possess is only yours you stop wallowing for what is lost and you begin to find ways to fill the gap. You have to accept the change or the loss someday, but if you decide to welcome the change, decide to change yourself to adapt to the change and perhaps even learn to enjoy the change you will only help yourself be happy faster again. 

What really matters?

The very relevant fears that each one of us goes through in our lives at some point of time is the fear of not finding the right one, the fear of a lifetime of union with someone and not being able to make a U-turn if required, the fear of not being sure when is the right time to take the plunge and if at all getting into a relationship or marriage is the best thing for you. 

Everyone looks for love and companionship hoping that it would come with a lifetime guarantee. We all often look for that ‘someone’ with whom we can share our happiness and sorrows. We have had people whom we deemed important on every juncture of our lives didn’t we? Remember childhood?

Those days when we saved a chocolate to bring back home from school; or when we made handmade cards as birthday presents for our parents; and put in mighty efforts to bring better grades because it made our parents happy. During that era of our life parents made the most important people. School days were so often synonymous to having a “best friend” or being part of the most popular group in school. If our best friend didn’t bring lunch we didn’t hesitate to share ours with them, if they were punished we felt sorry for them and if they were upset at us the world seemed a very sad place to exist in.

But as we know how quick life rolls just like the reel on the camera, one snap after the other in swift breathless clicks our journey from innocent childhood trivialities move onto more life changing issues to deal with. In our culture we generally take the business of getting married very seriously, parents put in great emphasize on the importance of marrying early and marrying the right one. Personally I don’t think there is a set time phase for when it all happens for people in general, for some they may find the right one pretty early in life and for many it may take awhile like the ever beautiful Suhasini Mulay a popular face of the Indian cinema and serials found her soulmate at the age of 60. But perhaps there is a point in life when each of us tends to take the lookout for meaningful relationships a bit more seriously. Sure! Our parents and our best friends are always there for us but have you come across a situation when your parents parrot the age old line “we are not going to always remain with you for the rest of your life” or when your friends who are blissfully hitched always seem to be lost in a world of their own which they can’t really be blamed for.

That leaves the ‘Singles’ singled out with their life which of course doesn’t need to conform to the conformity of being in a relationship just because stories of people dating, marrying or getting engaged are the latest fad of the town. But yet sometimes, just like the one odd day when you really wished you could ring up a friend and ask them for lunch, you hear them apologize to you much to your dismay for not accepting the invite because they are busy with their better half watching the most absurdly churned out movie of the century (that you wouldn’t watch in a hundred years in your right mind frame) and sounding very pleased to top it all; is when you realize you wish you had someone too who would make your world look pink and pretty even when it may not necessarily look like that to the rest of the world.

From the remotest corner of the mind or heart or wherever this feeling comes from we feel a vacation would become boring if we dint have someone to take along with; The tiniest voice in the head whisper’s that all the achievements and laurels gained professionally or otherwise you wished you had someone to share all these with perhaps a close friend or a relationship that you could fall back on almost all the time. Inspite of having the best job, a fancy car, and a beautiful house you look for a meaningful relationship to share it all with.

Well then, so you are going to give it a thought and see how it all works perhaps Shahid Kapur’s nuptials to the non celebrity Meera Rajput 13 years his junior may inspire you to rethink your stand on marriage. What should matter the most when you are looking for the Ms. /Mr. Just Right after all? Does the age gap really matter? Or the difference in religions should be taken into serious consideration?

I must beg to quote my humble views on this one that one must follow this simple equation: to look for a friend in the person you would choose to date/marry. Because not only do our friends share our mutual interests, we are not hassled with how we look or sound like to them all the time, and they simply like us for who we are.

But often these indispensable traits that we look for in a friend changes ever so discreetly when we are looking for meaningful companionship, with whom we would want to share our living space with, a life time of dreams, hopes and ambitions with; by which I rightly mean a better half. We are often attracted to or get infatuated with a pretty face, a handsome personality, the amazing job that we think they have, or the impressive house or car that they own. The apparently visible traits are so easy to feel mesmerized with but there is a fair possibility that the attractive exterior persona and their possessions may just vanish someday like beauty fades and like the gentleman who makes an amazing first impression may just be a façade to impress. It’s hard though but it matters when you want to make a commitment for a lifetime to differentiate between what looks breathtakingly attractive and what your needs really are. You don’t want someone to want out of the relationship at the first crack of disappointment. It’s hard to always put up a fascia that displays a persona of the ever beautiful or charming, who always portrays the image of the perfect all the time. Someday you may just want to step out of the house looking you, wanting to feel and show off the skin that is beneath all the makeup that adorns your face or you may desperately want to come across someone who is okay when you are behaving quirky unintentionally sometimes

Achieving a picture perfect life or a perfect life partner is a myth, if perfectionism is abstract it is fair if we lowered our expectations and looked for Ms. /Mr. Close to Perfect hoping that they would remain a sturdy companion when life is a celebration as well as for the times when life throws in equal measures of struggles. It takes time and most importantly the rationality to want to explore the

person who is beneath the exterior they portray. It is important to find someone who is ready to explore the inner realms of your character which may be a vulnerable side, a deep seated insecurity, naivety over certain things, or your imperfections and flaws and  recognize the beautiful inner you. A life time of partnership between two souls doesn’t happen immediately, what happens at the first sight is more often an attraction or an infatuation with apparently visible attributes. Often it turns out that a perfect relationship may not always be something that electrifies and enkindles you but perhaps it is the feeling of always being in a tender state of drowsiness that comes when you feel loved and secure for a lifetime to come.