What really matters?

The very relevant fears that each one of us goes through in our lives at some point of time is the fear of not finding the right one, the fear of a lifetime of union with someone and not being able to make a U-turn if required, the fear of not being sure when is the right time to take the plunge and if at all getting into a relationship or marriage is the best thing for you. 

Everyone looks for love and companionship hoping that it would come with a lifetime guarantee. We all often look for that ‘someone’ with whom we can share our happiness and sorrows. We have had people whom we deemed important on every juncture of our lives didn’t we? Remember childhood?

Those days when we saved a chocolate to bring back home from school; or when we made handmade cards as birthday presents for our parents; and put in mighty efforts to bring better grades because it made our parents happy. During that era of our life parents made the most important people. School days were so often synonymous to having a “best friend” or being part of the most popular group in school. If our best friend didn’t bring lunch we didn’t hesitate to share ours with them, if they were punished we felt sorry for them and if they were upset at us the world seemed a very sad place to exist in.

But as we know how quick life rolls just like the reel on the camera, one snap after the other in swift breathless clicks our journey from innocent childhood trivialities move onto more life changing issues to deal with. In our culture we generally take the business of getting married very seriously, parents put in great emphasize on the importance of marrying early and marrying the right one. Personally I don’t think there is a set time phase for when it all happens for people in general, for some they may find the right one pretty early in life and for many it may take awhile like the ever beautiful Suhasini Mulay a popular face of the Indian cinema and serials found her soulmate at the age of 60. But perhaps there is a point in life when each of us tends to take the lookout for meaningful relationships a bit more seriously. Sure! Our parents and our best friends are always there for us but have you come across a situation when your parents parrot the age old line “we are not going to always remain with you for the rest of your life” or when your friends who are blissfully hitched always seem to be lost in a world of their own which they can’t really be blamed for.

That leaves the ‘Singles’ singled out with their life which of course doesn’t need to conform to the conformity of being in a relationship just because stories of people dating, marrying or getting engaged are the latest fad of the town. But yet sometimes, just like the one odd day when you really wished you could ring up a friend and ask them for lunch, you hear them apologize to you much to your dismay for not accepting the invite because they are busy with their better half watching the most absurdly churned out movie of the century (that you wouldn’t watch in a hundred years in your right mind frame) and sounding very pleased to top it all; is when you realize you wish you had someone too who would make your world look pink and pretty even when it may not necessarily look like that to the rest of the world.

From the remotest corner of the mind or heart or wherever this feeling comes from we feel a vacation would become boring if we dint have someone to take along with; The tiniest voice in the head whisper’s that all the achievements and laurels gained professionally or otherwise you wished you had someone to share all these with perhaps a close friend or a relationship that you could fall back on almost all the time. Inspite of having the best job, a fancy car, and a beautiful house you look for a meaningful relationship to share it all with.

Well then, so you are going to give it a thought and see how it all works perhaps Shahid Kapur’s nuptials to the non celebrity Meera Rajput 13 years his junior may inspire you to rethink your stand on marriage. What should matter the most when you are looking for the Ms. /Mr. Just Right after all? Does the age gap really matter? Or the difference in religions should be taken into serious consideration?

I must beg to quote my humble views on this one that one must follow this simple equation: to look for a friend in the person you would choose to date/marry. Because not only do our friends share our mutual interests, we are not hassled with how we look or sound like to them all the time, and they simply like us for who we are.

But often these indispensable traits that we look for in a friend changes ever so discreetly when we are looking for meaningful companionship, with whom we would want to share our living space with, a life time of dreams, hopes and ambitions with; by which I rightly mean a better half. We are often attracted to or get infatuated with a pretty face, a handsome personality, the amazing job that we think they have, or the impressive house or car that they own. The apparently visible traits are so easy to feel mesmerized with but there is a fair possibility that the attractive exterior persona and their possessions may just vanish someday like beauty fades and like the gentleman who makes an amazing first impression may just be a façade to impress. It’s hard though but it matters when you want to make a commitment for a lifetime to differentiate between what looks breathtakingly attractive and what your needs really are. You don’t want someone to want out of the relationship at the first crack of disappointment. It’s hard to always put up a fascia that displays a persona of the ever beautiful or charming, who always portrays the image of the perfect all the time. Someday you may just want to step out of the house looking you, wanting to feel and show off the skin that is beneath all the makeup that adorns your face or you may desperately want to come across someone who is okay when you are behaving quirky unintentionally sometimes

Achieving a picture perfect life or a perfect life partner is a myth, if perfectionism is abstract it is fair if we lowered our expectations and looked for Ms. /Mr. Close to Perfect hoping that they would remain a sturdy companion when life is a celebration as well as for the times when life throws in equal measures of struggles. It takes time and most importantly the rationality to want to explore the

person who is beneath the exterior they portray. It is important to find someone who is ready to explore the inner realms of your character which may be a vulnerable side, a deep seated insecurity, naivety over certain things, or your imperfections and flaws and  recognize the beautiful inner you. A life time of partnership between two souls doesn’t happen immediately, what happens at the first sight is more often an attraction or an infatuation with apparently visible attributes. Often it turns out that a perfect relationship may not always be something that electrifies and enkindles you but perhaps it is the feeling of always being in a tender state of drowsiness that comes when you feel loved and secure for a lifetime to come.

THE MELANCHOLY OF ADULTHOOD

Sighs! How many of us have been through curfews levied on us by our parents during our teenage years? This isn’t even our fault! It is all because of the chemical reactions in our brains that would signal us do crazy things like get fatally attracted to the opposite sex. The girls would guzzle on endless RomCom novels or movies weaving fantasies of a quixotic married life similar to their current favorite novel or movie and the male fraternity would visualize endlessly about the curves of their lady love and her beauty spots! Both of them eager to be with the other just that the entire universe that includes their terrorizing parents and the agonizing society are all at their malevolent best! They cannot stand to see the happiness of the young couple! All that they were devising were strategies to get the two of them to stay away from each other. Perhaps now if we looked back we could laugh at the episodes when our parents or our friend’s parents would turn into law enforcement agents or the descendants of Sir Sherlock Holmes by implementing every theory in the book to discover secret affairs if any of their offspring; The “unfortunate” parents could foresee their future and the future of their son doomed because of the girl who seemed to have driven them and their precious son to sleepless nights; And also caused a turmoil in his grades and mark sheet!

The wobbly teenage soon follows a phase when the realization hits you that your teenage dream of getting married or having a girl by your side could finally come true. Your parents, the once upon a time villains of your teenage romance are on the lookout for a suitable better half for you but interestingly you find yourself laden up with doubts about the whole marriage idea the picture doesn’t

seem to look all that glossy any more. You tend to mull over the responsibilities that come with the institution like paying the bills on time, up keeping and maintaining the nest you reside within, ensuring that you do not under any circumstances go bankrupt at the end of the month, or finding employment with a stable income. You finally realize that you cannot sit on your bum around all day playing a guitar, just reading a book, catching up with friends for a casual leisurely coffee or a movie. Because that doesn’t keep the fires in the kitchen burning.

You begin to gauge the consequences of your actions and if you got married; the responsibilities of married life becomes a reality as well. You realize the importance of keeping your service provider happy by ensuring timely payment of your bills, the concept of living in a clean pest free environment where people don’t trip on the mess in your room becomes clearer to you. Maintaining a decent bank balance which is not on the brink of being dangerously close to the minimum requirement becomes a reality too. The point here is one really doesn’t have to bother about such realities when it’s just you taking care of yourself. Doing the laundries not this week but next is ok, keeping your hair messed up and wandering in old pajamas is fine if you don’t have the love of your life living with you, who would probably faint at the sight of the disheveled you. Nor is having kids and loading yourself up with another living being’s responsibility a very appealing aspect.

I think early on parents must have mature conversations with their children about life, their daily struggles, how they work so hard to provide them with a decent living, and how they work towards making their relationship as a spouse work. Children should be taught about life not being a mere fantasy, because often they enter adulthood, relationships and responsibilities having the wrong notions instilled which mess with their ideas of shouldering responsibilities and handling relationships with maturity. Either they begin to reject the idea of mature adulthood responsibilities and relationships, or they continue to live in their superficial fantasies. When these folks finally jolt out of their imaginations they are either in denial or are unable to accept and accommodate the workings of a real relationship.  

The sounds of 'Letting it go'

Letting it go, how difficult is this whole equation? Well the letting go bit is nothing that is done by the faint hearts. It takes a lot of valor to decide to let go of something that is so dear to us, but then loving ourselves is nothing less difficult!  

Its ironic how we decide to love something that in turn destroys us like for example how many times have we continued to live the existence that we are currently living, only because we are so apprehensive towards change? We find things that don’t suit our purpose anymore, things that don’t make us happy any more to be comforting even if they are masked with misery lurking on its surface only because we are too afraid of change even if in the hearts of our heart we know that it is going to be good for us if we would move on but we are just too afraid or too lazy to take that leap.

How many of us struggle through an unsatisfying job only because we like the title that is associated with it?  It doesn’t matter if we are not passionate about what we are working on. It doesn’t matter that the work is barely leaving you any life to celebrate beyond your work hours. We are only too afraid to let go of that well paying job because we don’t want to compromise on the luxurious/comfortable life that it brings. We are ok with ignoring the fact that we are not happy even in the midst of the comforts of the lifestyle we are living.

 How many times do we put up with an unhappy marriage or relationship, only because we fail to value our feelings or happiness, only because we are too afraid to leave the comfort zone of a familiar yet unsatisfying relationship? We are ok with compromising our feelings, expectations, happiness and hopes but we are just not ok to break free off it.

How many times have you been in the situation of trying too hard to keep it all afloat right from a demanding job, to commitments of managing an impeccable household, servant problems, in-law issues, children that need your attention and sometimes a husband/wife complaining of never finding the time for him/her? Amid it all stands you completely forlorn and lost in the crowd.  Why letting go of trying to be the perfect household image is so difficult an option?

Drop by drop life slides by, while we watch away doing absolutely nothing about helping ourselves. Each day we could wake up to change what we dislike but we do nothing. We never think about what if a butterfly refused to exit her cocoon? She would have never grown, she would never look beautiful, would never find her wings to fly just the same way we would never grow and evolve as humans, never look satisfied and happy, never acquire the courage and confidence to go out and live the dreams and hopes we have hoped for ourselves.  

No matter how comfy our old well worn shoes become, when they begin to tear away we have to give them away, same as anything that no longer suits our purpose and no longer makes us happy should be given away to pave way for something much better. If we cannot continue to keep the old battered shoes then why are we willing to continue to put up with stressful job, a relationship that eats away our esteem or happiness, a friend that has stopped valuing us, a situation that gives us nothing but misery? Why shouldn't we get away with them too?   

Someday for the sake of your sanity you have to decide when enough is enough, when you have had enough of what has been making you so discontented and what are you going to do about changing it and letting it all go? Sometimes they are thoughts, sometimes people, and sometimes situations. Sometimes in life we have to create our own closure, put our foot down and decide to stride away without ever looking back.  The decision is going to be hard, you may have your doubts about the decision to walk away, you may feel remorseful too at some dark point of life while missing that unfortunate yet familiar life but these are temporary phases and after the clouds of grey that had amassed in your life are dispelled with a sunshine and rainbow you will realize how right you are were about moving on, about moving away. Sometimes the results of such decisions follow immediately and sometimes they take time the ones that take time to show up are generally the ones that give you the best of what you had ever hoped for. The secret to success is to keep the faith and belief in yourself and to keep walking.